People are freaking crazy about pets. And I don’t mean that in the cute “I’m just so crazy about my pet” kind of way. I mean people are insane, delusional, and just generally complete weirdos about their pets. There are easy targets, the crazy cat ladies with 90 cats whose apartments smell like cat urine and they wear sweaters with pictures of their cats. But these people are fine, I don’t mind them, atleast they have something to keep their brain focused on. It’s these other people, these tweeners that seem completely normal and well adjusted until they start talking to you about their pet and you start reaching for the straight jacket. Lucky for us, HMB has alot of these people… and I love them all.
I was never a pet person. My father is allergic to every kind of animal ever invented so we never had any. I think I had some fish and they died and I flushed them down a toilet. When I moved out the first thing I did was get a cat. Her name was Geisha the Robot Cat(note: she was not actually a robot, I just wished she was). She was awesome, I liked her alot, but I moved too much (and i still do) so a friend of mine adopted her and she is living a better life now.
About a month ago I was hanging out with my father who is holed up in his house while recovering from hip surgery. My father and I often talk politics and the like, him being a “bring back the party lever in voting booths so I don’t have to flip down all the republican tabs” conservative and me being a “I dunno, man, I’m just so confused and stuff and like some people are right on both sides of the aisle” bleeding heart liberal. Our conversations are great, I love them and we have alot of the same habits in common. He is constantly watching CNN and reading the Huffingtonpost so he can get mad, likewise I watch way too much Bill O’reilly and all that other drek on Fox just to piss myself off.
But he told me the story of the only Huffington post, um, post that he ever agreed with. It had nothing to do with politics, it was a women (I think) who was a fiction writer (I think… my memory is hazy) who wrote about how people are absolutely insane about their dogs and they should probably be hit with a stick. Ok maybe I added that last part, but you get the gist. It was just funny because I always felt the same way without ever knowing that my father and I had this prejudice in common. I was planning on linking to the Huffington Post here but using search terms on the site like “Dogs are really stupid” and “People are insane about dogs” didn’t yield the post. Work on your search engine, huff!
BTW, if anyone can find this post please link it in the comments section. I would really like to see it again.
Anyway, back to the H to the M to the B… with a little inspiration from a friend I decided to gather up all the HMB lenses about dogs and cats and see what kind of twisted genius I could pull out of them. The first one I stumbled upon was Dogs vs. Cats and the laughs start from the very beginning. Lets try to forget for a second that her argument rhymes. Actually no, lets not forget about that… her argument freaking rhymes!! What the hell!?!? I mean seriously? How can people be so cute without barfing on themselves? Call me cynical (please, do.) but this level of happiness and honesty with feelings is just something I can’t get behind. Maybe that’s why I prefer cats. You hate me, I hate you, sometimes you want to be pet, sometimes I want to make you jump up walls chasing a laser pointer. The rest of the time we ignore each other. Perfect.
All of this leads us to Cats are smarter than Dogs which might be the most true HMB lens ever. First off it doesn’t rhyme which instantly gives it the edge. Secondly it’s about independence and smarts and not about blind devotion and being saved in the wilderness. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. On the Cat Vs Dogs debate up above one of the arguments in favor of dogs is that if you get hurt on a hike a dog will save you (lolwut?) and a cat will just wander away. Personally I think my cellphone will save me, or maybe me screaming like a 5 year old girl… I’m not gonna rely on lassie to run back to a camp and barkumincate (I just made that word up, feel free to use it) that I’m in trouble and lead people to save me. In fact, I’m just not gonna go on a freaking hike. How about that!?!?
Anyway, cats are clearly cooler and smarter. My new girlfriend has a cat, his name is Townes. Sometimes he is a psycho but most of the time he is really awesome. He just chills out and he can even flush the toilet. And yes, evidently the word “edit” never made it into my girlfriend’s vocabulary. But i digress, you’re still awesome you cat loving woman. Find me a dog that will poop in the toilet and then flush it and I may change my tune. Actually, don’t… the internet already scares me enough.
Sometimes the Dog vs Cat debate isn’t enough though so someone had to make the Cats *or* Dog debate. This is a lively, new way to discuss this topic! Actually the writer does get into a bit more of the upkeep and not all “I love everything to do with pets” hoopla of the above debates. Is it better to walk a dog to drop a deuce in your neighbor’s front yard or is it better to clean cat poops out of some weird sand substance that smells just awkward enough to combine with said feces to invent smells you wish never existed? That is a tough question, depends on your neighbors I guess.
And then, of course, there is the top dog. We’ve all seen or heard of racist dogs but never before has one had his own TV show. Dog the Bounty Hunter should be put back on TV raises the whole dog debate to a whole new level. I mean, he can sorta speak English so that puts him just below Brian the dog from Family Guy. But he also uses this undoglike ability to spew hatred against black people, which isn’t really the best thing one can do with his time. He is really good at playing fetch, evidently… but I’m not sure if that’s enough to justify his coming back to television. I’m gonna go out on a limb and think that black folks aren’t really longing for his return to throwing black people in jail on television.