High Velocity Bowling – This review is more offensive than the game is, somehow.

What follows is an AIM conversation between me (famousmortimer) and DickyJ after playing this game online in a best of three series.   We both have played it offline and with random people online before this.

Famousmortimer(12:38:38 AM): So, what were your thoughts of HVB before we played our first game?

DickyJ(12:39:11 AM): What’s a good way to describe a pile of shit?

Famousmortimer(12:39:41 AM): Haha, alright.   Why didn’t you like it?

DickyJ(12:41:23 AM): If I wanted to play this game on Wii, I would have bought it on Wii. Motion controls and the PS3 are bad, pretty much universally.

Famousmortimer(12:41:41 AM): I can’t disagree with that

Famousmortimer(12:42:06 AM): Motion controls are even worse on the ps3, because it seems tacked on at the last minute

Famousmortimer(12:42:17 AM): Where the Wii, at least, had it planned from near the start

DickyJ(12:43:23 AM): Speaking of tacking on, what exactly does rotater cuff surgery entail?

DickyJ(12:43:59 AM): My freaking arm hurts, maybe it’s my fault but I feel like I was having to swing way to hard to play this stupid game.

Famousmortimer(12:44:23 AM): Yeah, I remember doing that also.

DickyJ(12:45:03 AM): Sometimes I was swinging 2 or 3 times per throw because apparently I wasn’t doing it right.

Famousmortimer(12:45:12 AM): But, the secret is, just like the wii, you can find a small hand motion that fools the controller.   So it negates the whole purpose of motion control…

Famousmortimer(12:45:36 AM): Which begs the question… why can’t we at least have the option to just push buttons?

DickyJ(12:47:11 AM): Exactly! That’s what I want. By the way you type like a ten year old only when sober I guess. I don’t think you’ve ever “begged the question” in the history of the world.

DickyJ(12:47:28 AM): Leave that in!

Famousmortimer(12:47:40 AM): Ill leave that in, but I’m confused.

Famousmortimer(12:48:01 AM): Ive never said begs the question?

DickyJ(12:48:45 AM): Don’t think so. Guess who is crying…I’m going to have to multitask this for a bit.

Famousmortimer(12:49:40 AM): Fucking Action Jackson (for the viewers at home, Action Jackson is DickyJ’s newborn son… and yes, I guess I just swore at a newborn).

DickyJ(12:50:17 AM): It’s cool, he needs to toughen up and stop acting like a baby.

Famousmortimer(12:50:50 AM): Haha, yes.  Give that dude a controller and put on Mega Man 9.

DickyJ(12:51:29 AM): Back to bowling, you were saying that it’s the worst game ever I believe?

Famousmortimer(12:52:13 AM): No. you were.

DickyJ(12:52:19 AM): Oh.

Famousmortimer(12:52:22 AM): So we met up online.

Famousmortimer(12:52:27 AM): We start

Famousmortimer(12:52:30 AM): You went first

Famousmortimer(12:52:39 AM): Tell the readers what happened.

DickyJ(12:53:34 AM): I had to feel out the real estate… ya know get accustomed to the lane. Hasn’t anyone heard of practice frames?

Famousmortimer(12:53:52 AM): So you felt out both gutters?

DickyJ(12:54:28 AM): If you want to put it that way, sure.

Famousmortimer(12:54:56 AM): Ok

Famousmortimer(12:55:03 AM): So

Famousmortimer(12:55:06 AM): Um

Famousmortimer(12:55:21 AM): Then I come in, drunk, and nail a strike in the first frame

DickyJ(12:56:02 AM): Pure skills.

DickyJ(12:56:35 AM): <makes bottle for Dick Jr.>

Famousmortimer(12:56:50 AM): That’s gross

Famousmortimer(12:57:34 AM): So you start off with two gutter balls, not surprising, since you had already told me you hate the game.

Famousmortimer(12:57:44 AM): And I get a strike and then I think a spare.

Famousmortimer(12:57:54 AM): But after that you get on a roll

DickyJ(1:00:42 AM): Yeah I got a feel for it right about the 7th frame.

Famousmortimer(1:01:02 AM): You were doing well before that

DickyJ(1:02:06 AM): It’s a bit hazy for me until the end was nigh.

DickyJ(1:03:30 AM): That happens when you try to block something out.

Famousmortimer(1:04:16 AM): I feel your anger.  I felt your anger.   But we started off and you sucked, and I was awesome…   but after that I felt like you got in the flow of it.

Famousmortimer(1:04:31 AM): You were spinning that crap and getting good scores

Famousmortimer(1:11:28 AM): I think, at this point, we still cant figure out how voice chat works.

Famousmortimer(1:11:33 AM): If i remember correctly

DickyJ(1:12:00 AM): I’m pretty sure I was shouting “Mort!!” over and over.

Famousmortimer(1:12:24 AM): Yeah, but when *don’t* you do that?

DickyJ(1:12:57 AM): No comment.

Famousmortimer(1:13:41 AM): haha

DickyJ(1:13:45 AM): Anyways once I figured out that voice chat was toggled off I figured out the best thing about the game.

DickyJ(1:14:00 AM): Ask me what!!!

Famousmortimer(1:14:04 AM): That you could not listen to me?

DickyJ(1:14:46 AM): The quality of the voice chat is pretty awesome. Which is pretty important for this type of game.

Famousmortimer(1:15:05 AM): Yeah, I can agree with that

Famousmortimer(1:15:15 AM): The game sucks, but is fun against people

Famousmortimer(1:15:21 AM): So voice chat is important

DickyJ(1:17:05 AM): So voice chat was on and fun was had. I was getting the hang of the lane then what happened?

Famousmortimer(1:17:29 AM): Well, that skips to the end.  I won.

Famousmortimer(1:17:44 AM): You were catching on, but it was too late.

Famousmortimer(1:18:23 AM): Its a best out of three though.   But hopefully it wont take us this long to type all 3.

Famousmortimer(1:18:35 AM): Well, 2.  Because I’m gonna win again.

DickyJ(1:18:44 AM): Bull!

Famousmortimer(1:19:02 AM): really?

Famousmortimer(1:19:44 AM): This is going on the site… whatever the score is will be in bold underneath this line.  Well the next line.

Famousmortimer(1:19:54 AM): You really think you are going to beat me?

DickyJ(1:20:11 AM): No doubt.  (spoiler… he won)

Famousmortimer(1:20:43 AM): Alrighty, off to take a piss and meet you on the lanes.   Send an invite.

DickyJ(1:21:23 AM): right after this bottle is done (1 minute) and Jack gets a new diaper (4 minutes)

DickyJwent idle at 1:37:36 AM.

DickyJreturned at 1:46:12 AM.

DickyJ(1:49:00 AM): So.

Famousmortimer(1:50:27 AM): yo

Famousmortimer(1:50:33 AM): Sorry, Sara was on snood  (Sara is my roommate… snood is a game on my computer she loves)

Famousmortimer(1:51:07 AM): Alrighty

Famousmortimer(1:51:16 AM): So game two

Famousmortimer(1:51:20 AM): I was going to win

DickyJ(1:51:27 AM): and…

Famousmortimer(1:51:28 AM): I was pretty positive about that

Famousmortimer(1:51:35 AM): What happened!?!?!?

DickyJ(1:52:22 AM): Let’s see, I vaguely remember winning  by default since you ran out of time.

Famousmortimer(1:52:34 AM): Ok, yes.

Famousmortimer(1:52:43 AM): I will admit to running out of time

Famousmortimer(1:52:58 AM): and running out of time because I was too drunk to watch the clock

Famousmortimer(1:53:05 AM): But!

DickyJ(1:53:07 AM): But being the good sport that I am, the game allowed me to force a forfeit or give you two additional minutes to finish. I chose to be the best friend ever and I gave you 2 more minutes.

Famousmortimer(1:53:24 AM): thanks, game

DickyJ(1:54:03 AM): I then proceed to hand you the biggest beat down in the history of bowling.

Famousmortimer(1:54:19 AM): I was trying to forget about that

Famousmortimer(1:54:23 AM): dick

Famousmortimer(1:54:28 AM): Dickyj, i mean

DickyJ(1:55:15 AM): I think I set some kind of record with my 136 point game.

DickyJ(1:55:29 AM): Oh and thanks for the two trophies that gave me.

Famousmortimer(1:55:37 AM): You at least broke the record for highest score by a  fucktard.

DickyJ(1:55:43 AM):  Wow.

Famousmortimer(1:55:47 AM): Happy to help.

Famousmortimer(1:55:58 AM): So

Famousmortimer(1:56:04 AM): I won game one

Famousmortimer(1:56:10 AM): and talked shit

Famousmortimer(1:56:13 AM): you won game two

Famousmortimer(1:56:20 AM): which i talked shit about

Famousmortimer(1:56:22 AM): so

DickyJ(1:56:25 AM): Do you think alcohol consumption factored into the equation?

Famousmortimer(1:56:51 AM): You know what!  You’re not my father!!!!!!  *cries into a pillow*

Famousmortimer(1:56:56 AM): si

Famousmortimer(1:56:58 AM): so

Famousmortimer(1:57:12 AM): game 3

DickyJ(1:57:16 AM): You booze, you lose. Remember that kids.

Famousmortimer(1:57:23 AM): want to make a wager?

Famousmortimer(1:57:44 AM): not money, site related

DickyJ(1:57:46 AM): what would you like to wager?

Famousmortimer(1:58:14 AM): Loser has to write the review of super acrobatic stupid robot cars or whatever the fuck its called.

DickyJ(1:58:28 AM): That’s high stakes…

Famousmortimer(1:58:34 AM): Fuck yeah it is

DickyJ(1:58:42 AM): Ok it’s a deal.

Famousmortimer(1:58:48 AM): We aren’t in Kansas anymore

Famousmortimer(1:59:11 AM): Alright, see you on the lanes, robot car bitch

DickyJ(1:59:20 AM): Game on.

DickyJwent idle at 2:09:20 AM.

Famousmortimer(2:15:26 AM): Alls I’m gonna say is bullshit, and you can take over the roll of the cocky motherfucker asking questions

DickyJreturned at 2:15:35 AM.

DickyJ(2:16:07 AM): Look, you have an opportunity to do a game review like no other.

Famousmortimer(2:16:42 AM): …

DickyJ(2:17:04 AM): You could, quite possibly change the face of gaming with your review of Super Galactic Battlestar RC Pro-Am Cars of the Future.

Famousmortimer(2:17:35 AM): Yeah, I might…

Famousmortimer(2:17:55 AM): Or maybe the level of suck might choke me in the under tide.

DickyJ(2:18:39 AM): Let’s talk about the voice chat in this game.

Famousmortimer(2:18:45 AM): Ok

Famousmortimer(2:18:55 AM): It’s pretty damn clear

DickyJ(2:20:31 AM): Yeah and you don’t get that failure to activate your mic because you aren’t talking loud enough. Is that because the voice chat is always open as opposed to most other games?

Famousmortimer(2:21:22 AM): Yeah, it’s always open, kinda like Xbox Live, but it’s very clear, unlike Xbox Live.

Famousmortimer(2:22:12 AM): And that’s not to say that all PSN chat is awesome.  Resistance 2 is always open and is just a noise fest.

DickyJ(2:23:11 AM): What about that lag between voice chat and on-screen action with High Velocity. Someone is going to have to explain that to me.

Famousmortimer(2:24:34 AM): That makes no sense to me either.   The game is very simple, you input your commands and the ball goes down the lane.   But as we figured out tonight, the voice chat is at least 3 seconds in front of what your opponent is seeing.   I’m no programmer, but that makes zero sense to me.

DickyJ(2:25:42 AM): Yup, I’d figure the voice would be the thing lagging. But I also have no logical reason why that should be.

Famousmortimer(2:27:04 AM): Well, every other game that has ever existed has made the voice chat lag behind what was happening on your screen.   HVB is trying to reverse that by having your voice come through 10 years before whatever happened does.

DickyJ(2:29:33 AM): Well I’m going to say one thing. I actually enjoyed playing this game online with you. I didn’t expect to enjoy it. I only played it one other time and that was offline and one match without voice online. Friends are probably key too. Or at least someone friendly to play with.

DickyJ(2:30:01 AM): I wouldn’t mind seeing four player online either.

Famousmortimer(2:31:05 AM): I agree, and I think the game designers do also, or at least the people who make trophies.   They are all based off the online part of the game.

Famousmortimer(2:31:21 AM): We both agreed, before this started, that offline sucked.

DickyJ(2:31:42 AM): and it does…

Famousmortimer(2:31:46 AM): And lets just warn anyone now, reading this, if you want an offline game, this is not it.

Famousmortimer(2:32:02 AM): Even for a goddamn bowling game, the offline is sub-par.

DickyJ(2:33:20 AM): Unless you like being forced to watch the computer bowl every single time and staring at the pins for 10 seconds after each throw.

Famousmortimer(2:33:52 AM): Well, who doesn’t like that?

DickyJ(2:33:59 AM): America.

Famousmortimer(2:34:14 AM): Oh yeah

Famousmortimer(2:34:18 AM): us.

Famousmortimer(2:34:40 AM): So you suck at asking questions so I’m gonna close us out.

Famousmortimer(2:34:56 AM): Who won the first game?

DickyJ(2:35:31 AM): How much was this sparkling pile of poop anyways? I forgot.

DickyJ(2:35:44 AM): I’m ignoring your last question.

Famousmortimer(2:35:48 AM): You didn’t forget, I bought it.

Famousmortimer(2:35:52 AM): and gave you a copy

DickyJ(2:35:53 AM): Oh yeah.

DickyJ(2:36:03 AM): How much?

Famousmortimer(2:36:06 AM): I think it was $10

DickyJ(2:36:46 AM): What do you think about the downloadable content? Have you purchased any of that?

Famousmortimer(2:36:58 AM): I haven’t.

Famousmortimer(2:37:28 AM): But Ive made friends with people who have, and traded shit that is much more worthwhile for it.

Famousmortimer(2:37:49 AM): Are we done embarrassing me yet?

DickyJ(2:38:21 AM): Sounds like you are quite the bargaining guru.

Famousmortimer(2:39:04 AM): Well, some may say that I am.   They might not understand logic or reason, but they might say that.

DickyJ(2:39:45 AM): My opinion is that the downloadable content is laughable. A dollar for a ball, I think is what I saw. A ball is a ball.

Famousmortimer(2:40:10 AM): Yeah, seriously, who would pay for that?

Famousmortimer(2:40:37 AM): *If you did and are reading this site, I’m sorry*   BUT COME THE FUCK ON!

Famousmortimer(2:41:32 AM): You have a young child, so say it gentler to these fine folks…

DickyJ(2:42:46 AM): Son, if it smells like shit, then it probably tastes like shit.

Famousmortimer(2:43:04 AM): But

Famousmortimer(2:43:26 AM): If you can take a shit online, or smell a shit online, it’s a bit more fun.

Famousmortimer(2:43:54 AM): Come on, we had fun.

DickyJ(2:45:13 AM): So online is fun with friends. Offline sucks, DLC sucks, and the lag is funny. What else?

Famousmortimer(2:45:36 AM): Well, for trophy whores, the trophies are all online.

Famousmortimer(2:45:47 AM): So if you don’t play online, don’t apply.

DickyJ(2:46:41 AM): The leaderboards are a joke. It’s basically just a list of 10 million people who got 300 games. Sounds like the competition might be difficult for beginners. How many games have you played online?

Famousmortimer(2:47:10 AM): Im not sure, in the 20 to 30 range.

DickyJ(2:47:33 AM): I’m guessing you won 5 games. Right or wrong?

DickyJ(2:47:46 AM): Because you really are horrible.

Famousmortimer(2:48:01 AM): Haha, fuck you.   And yeah, 5 might be high.

DickyJ(2:48:44 AM): I hate online trophies more times than not. Especially if they entail having to actually win.

DickyJ(2:49:05 AM): Final thoughts. Go!

DickyJ(2:50:35 AM): (5 minutes later) Tick tick tick…

Famousmortimer(2:51:34 AM): Sorry, was pissing out that beating you put on me

Famousmortimer(2:52:00 AM): I like online trophies if they have to do with winning

DickyJ(2:52:12 AM): SOCOM says what?

Famousmortimer(2:52:46 AM): Haha, well that’s a fucking mishmash of bad ideas.

Famousmortimer(2:53:07 AM): And those trophies are done by winning.

Famousmortimer(2:53:16 AM): So I guess that proves my theory wrong

DickyJ(2:53:41 AM): Off that topic. I asked for your final thoughts let’s have em.

DickyJ(2:53:55 AM): Come on Jerry!

Famousmortimer(2:54:58 AM): Well.   I hate motion controls.   I hate stupid stereotypes in games…  and this game features both of those, to the maxxxxxxxx.    But, when playing against another player I have fun.   Tonight, playing against you, even though I’m pretty sure you cheated.   I had a ton of fun.

Famousmortimer(2:55:59 AM): Bottom line, don’t buy this game to play solo.   Maybe buy this game to play online if you are a leaderboard jockey.   Do buy this game if you have friends that will also and you can play together.

DickyJ(2:56:50 AM): It’s a game you’d buy to bullshit over with buddies. It’s  quite perfect for that.

Famousmortimer(2:57:45 AM): Yeah, as fucked up as it is, if you are playing with a friend it’s fucked up for both of you.   So at least it’s fair….

DickyJ(2:58:40 AM): If you think you would have fun shooting the shit and bowling you probably will. But nothing more.

Famousmortimer(2:58:56 AM): Agreed.

Fin.