Pain Review: Don’t buy this game unless you hate yourself.

 

Pain is an interesting game. The thing that makes it interesting is how you can take a very simple concept, rag doll physics and a sling shot, and turn it into a game. Choose your character and then you launch him from a human sling shot and the goal is to crash into things while your character writhes in pain. Really and truly that is all that this game is. I suppose that is not the interesting thing so much as the $10.00 price is.

So you crash into stuff and earn points for everything that your rag doll hits. You also have a pain meter. When you crash into something, you can then tap your d-pad up to four times to sort of flail your rag doll a tad. The point of this is that you might be able to budge your character enough to hit a few more thing, basically adding more points to your score.

The only way you can move your character, beyond the way I just described, is by grabbing on to things that you smash into. you aren’t really moving your character so much as you are simply attached to whatever you ran into hoping that it somehow moves. Well you can add flair, thus multiplying your scores with sweet moves while you are in the air. Certain button combos will force your character to do a cannonball or hold your legs spread while you fart.

The way that this game justifies calling itself a game is by adding things for you to hit. Like monkeys holding footballs and glass panes lined up in the street for you to crash through. But they only want you to hit those things and not the other things that you hit in the other modes. So it’s diverse gameplay, right? 

Right?!?!!

Did I mention the mode where you have to grab a mime that is floating magically in the air? Yeah, you grab him and then let go of him so that he hits things instead of you. Oh and he curses you for doing so, in French. Which I guess was supposed to be funny.

This looks like it might actually be fun. But it's not, I assure you.

This looks like it might actually be fun. But it

Speaking of funny, you can pay more money for different rag dolls to flail about. Namely David Hasselhoff, whom I’m sure will spout off every catch phrase the internet dreamt up to give his fading star a small glimmer. Don’t hassle the Hoff, yo. Personally, I’m holding out for the Chuck Norris expansion pack.

The game feels like an experiment in rag doll physics. Something someone developed in order to see what could be done with the concept. Had this been released 15 years ago I would have been really impressed. But it wasn’t, it was released in 2007. So my feeling is that it is a rip off. I’d buy it for 99 cents on the iPhone right now, but nothing else.

Apparently Pain was just released in Japan. Where it was hailed by some crazy Japanese insider as “The greatest downloadable game you will ever play” or something very close to that. Whoever that dude was, he is an idiot. The game name was also changed for Japan’s release to Mr. Pain.  I could see this game in some Japanese arcade and I would drop a quarter in to play it if I was there. Then I would never play it again. That’s about all this is good for.

Bloggers on the Pain website even drown on about how exciting and proud they are of this games accomplishments. They really should be proud. The idea that they actually made money off of this game is quite amazing. Pulling one over on the world like that is quite the feat.

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8 thoughts on “Pain Review: Don’t buy this game unless you hate yourself.

  1. You and I agree on the game. If you don’t get it for free (via the 160 GB PS3), don’t bother. Although now they are expanding it a bit, so we’ll see if the new modes (darts and fortress) are any good.

    • I’m not holding out hope for fixes like I am with something like SOCOM. But it will be interesting to see how they expand the gameplay. That and how much money they will suck out of us.

  2. I don’t know what I find more offensive about this “game.” That it thinks it is funny and clearly isn’t. I mean, even I think a good fart is funny, but somehow this game even messes that up! Or that the gameplay is so basic and uncompelling yet they still charge actual money for it.

    God I hate this game. HATE HATE HATE.

  3. Yeah, Pain is a joke the trophies aren’t worth the pain of playing this game. I was suckered in by the neat concept of destroying things with little cartoon characters. But somehow they managed to ruin that simple concept and now after reading this article and remembering the horrors if this game I am now sad.

      • It’s called Digg 3 column. I messed around quite a bit with the widgets, but haven’t actually touched the CSS yet. Well not that I will be, because I don’t know CSS, but we have a friend that does, so we will at some point be making some subtle changes to the layout.

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