After beating myself up over the last four days I made a promise to myself that starting Monday I would stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to working on the website. I wasn’t just feeling sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Col. I felt sorry for the people who trusted me that I let down. I felt sorry for the people who donated money to the site wanting something different and getting more of the same – just in a different venue.
In general the response of people close to me has been positive. A few supporters of the site expressed their concerns but also believe we could learn and move past this. Friends offered similar advice. The fact that the one person who had the greatest reason to be upset with me, Col Rodgers, had forgiven me and we have since been friendly in email conversations was really important to me. I wronged him, I apologized, he forgave me. I hate myself for putting him through this but I can’t go back and change what happened. I can only learn and move forward, which is what I’m going to do. I’ve had people doubling down on what I said. I don’t care. I talked to Col and I believe him. And beyond that, it’s none of our business. We care how the game turns out, not speculation about the people involved.
The website (which may or may not get a name change – that topic has been up on the forums for 2 weeks, it’s not a reaction to this) is going forward. We lost a few people over this. One due to moral outrage, the other two due to fear of finding themselves in my position – receiving so much hate at once. It made them nervous. I don’t blame them. Any of them. I understand completely being nervous and I understand completely not believing in my leadership after that fuck up. I wish them all good luck in whatever they do next. There are no hard feelings here.
The website was never going to be about hit pieces or anything like that. The website isn’t even going to focus on leaks. The point of the website has always been about remaining independent. About looking at things from a consumer’s point of view. We will discuss the value of things more than other sites will. We will try to bring a calm, rational approach to the explosions which happen daily instead of feeding into them. When it comes down to individual people… that’s none of our business. Why Amy Hennig left, why Stig left, why Col left… unless they say something themselves, speculation on those things WILL NOT happen on this website. It also won’t happen from me at all, be it on twitter, in conversation, or whatever. I made that post without thinking. I was trying to make a larger point and I glossed over people’s lives. People’s lives! That’s a huge fuck up. If someone handed me my post to put on the website I would have handed it right back and said “There’s speculation there about things we don’t have any right to speculate about nor do we even need to know.” I didn’t do that to myself in that GAF post and I’ve paid the price.
Actually, I paid more than the price. I know I fucked up, I apologized, I’m trying to learn from it, the person I upset is ok with me…. but that didn’t stop me from going through a meat grinder for the last several days. I was ok with it for the most part because I felt so shitty that I felt like I deserved it. But now that some time has passed and I’ve gotten back up and dusted myself off I am ready to defend myself as well. I won’t defend what I wrote in that post, I can’t, and nor do I want to. But the people dancing on my grave – you were over the line. You thought that since I went over the line that it was ok for you to also. The GAF thread, cheered on by mods, celebrating my demise was disgusting. I made a mistake, I owned up to it, Col even posted in that thread that we were cool. That didn’t stop anything.
There’s also the giant clamoring of trolls that are just disgusting in their attacks. The thing about these guys is that most of them are Xbox fans (as stated in their twitter profiles) who hate me because they think that I create “FUD” about the Xbox. They didn’t give a shit about Col. All they cared was there was an opening to just pile on. Death threats, abusive language towards me and my wife. Just over and over and over and over and over. I must have blocked 1000 people on twitter this weekend. The comments in the post below this are but a mere taste of the shit I’ve dealt with all weekend.
People have asked me if anyone from GAF has reached out to me for my side of the story. No, but nor did I expect them to. GAF is an enormous forum that has a million fires they need to put out everyday and they don’t reach out to anyone they ban. I wouldn’t expect it to be any different for myself. While I do question the dancing on my grave that I feel some of the mods encouraged… I feel no ill will towards GAF. I made many great friends there. I will continue to read there. I won’t miss the leaks or stuff like that, they were fun but also made me nervous. Honestly the thing I’m going to miss the most are the OT’s. The Dark Souls OT was amazing, I felt like I was playing the game with 200 people. I was hoping for the same thing with Dark Souls 2 on the PC in April. I’m gonna miss that. My time there is over – that’s that. Time to move on.
One of the things I’m not going to stand for is the complete re-writing of who I am or what I’ve done because I fucked up this one time. I was wrong about Col, I admit that, and I take responsibility for that. But that doesn’t change my entire past. Nor am I the person who a lot of you think I am. I posted 11 of the 15 Xbox One games on GAF weeks before E3. No one at that point was accusing me of “FUD.” I got a couple wrong – sorry about Hawken, Miles, and the jury is still out on LOL (I believe Phil Spencer recent mentioned MOBAS working on consoles). But 11 correct, 1 wrong, 1 still up in the air. I also posted a month before E3 that Insomniac, long time Sony loyalists, would be on stage with MS showing off an xbox one exclusive game. Again – not “FUD.” And again – I was correct. I had been saying since March that the price of the PS4 was $399. It was $399. I posted about the Driveclub delay days before it was announced publicly. I said that PS+ was going to be required to play online while other “insiders” (I really hate that term, I’m not inside anything) said it was not.
When CBOAT and others said the PS4 was coming out in October I said it wasn’t. I broke the story about COD and BF4 being 720p on the Xbox One weeks before either company admitted it (I think this is when Kevin Dent started hating me as he INSISTED that BF4 was 1080p). I also broke the story that the party system on the xbox one was in bad shape and a step backwards from the 360’s with a fairly detailed explanation why. These events are why people who have heard of me recently, that love Microsoft, hate me. Here’s the thing – I was right. I can’t help it if the news about a certain company is bad. I don’t make up the news, I deliver it. And I wasn’t wrong. People still come at me for the parties thing… which is insane considering that Microsoft themselves said the whole purpose of the March patch was to fix the parties!
So this whole “He was just a lucky guesser” narrative that people who hate me want to create – it’s false. Or, if it’s true, I’m the luckiest guesser in the history of the world. I have been wrong about things in the past. I thought that Mirror’s Edge was an Xbox One exclusive, I was wrong. I’ve also been an idiot many times. A few weeks back at 3:30 AM I drunkenly posted about Amazon buying the Xbox division. I’m not backing off that assertion but my delivery was certainly awful. Nintendo and now, reportedly, Facebook are also suitors. That’s not to say MS is going to sell, but there are companies approaching them. I’m fairly certain they are approaching Sony as well considering Sony’s overall health – but I haven’t heard that from anyone so I haven’t said anything about it. It may end up being much ado about nothing. I was sharing what I heard. My delivery was awful. And, of course, the biggest mistake I made was dragging Col’s name through the mud. I also apologize to Stig, as I did the same to him. And even though I didn’t say anything negative, I speculated about Amy Hennig and Justin Richmond which was a mistake. I’m learning from these mistakes and I’m owning up to these mistakes. I fucked up and I truly am sorry.
Who I don’t apologize to is the thousands of people sending me shit like the pic below. There are many of you that hate me and will always hate me. That’s fine. There are some people I respect who lost respect for me and I hope to win it back someday. And for those who stood with me and gave me support – I can’t thank you enough. The picture below, though… this type of vile bullshit, I’m done with it. I fucked up, I appologized to Col, Col and I are friendly now. He got over it. I learned from it. You guys that want to just keep piling this shit on are wasting your time. I’m learning from this and moving forward.
It takes 2 seconds to block you and that’s all I’ll be doing. This guy can have his hate filled limelight though. The people who have been supportive have my undying loyalty. And I’m usually not a big quote type of guy, but a friend sent me this and this is exactly what I’m going to do.
“When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” -Hugh White