I fucked up. There’s no two ways around that. I fucked up in multiple ways. It wasn’t just one fuckup – it was a series of them, some because I’m stupid and some because I didn’t know what was going on.
When I posted yesterday at GAF about the various happenings within Sony the point of what I was trying to write is that they weren’t connected or part of a bigger conspiracy. The mistake I made was that I was loose with gossip in trying to make my point. I wasn’t focused on that, I was focused on my larger point and as such I failed as writer/poster. Late last night I talked with a friend of Col Rodgers and we cleared things up.
When i woke up this morning I didn’t go to gaf. I had no idea the post was still going. I had no idea that Col had posted there. I had no idea about anything, really. I did some stuff on the site. I was feeling awful about how big that post had blown up (mostly from the conversation with col’s friend which made it far more personal and gave me a much better understanding of how my irresponsibility could hurt someone). I made a tweet, that was intentionally cheeky, about resigning as a “GAF Insider.” The reason it was cheeky was because I’ve always thought of the entire notion of being a “GAF Insider” was silly and to make some sort of official announcement that was very serious would just make me look like a stuck up fuck. So that’s fuck up number 2. Or 3. I don’t know how many I was at this point. What I had no clue is that Col Rodgers had posted on GAF. That people were waiting for a response from me. So my cheeky tweet became the response…. and I had no idea.
At this point, still completely oblivious, I’m going through my email and I see an email from Col Rodgers. He explained why he left. He explained his situation with his son (something that was never even mentioned to me by anyone I talked to). He gave me what I now believe to be the facts of the situation. I wrote him back and apologized to him. I told him I didn’t mean to smear him, I wish him and his son well. He wrote back explaining how what I wrote could potentially hurt him so I responded (paraphrased, i don’t have the email in front of me) “Well I was planning on apologizing on my podcast since that would be video, voice, body language, etc and would hopefully express that it was sincere. ” But decided to also appologize on twitter now since I’m not sure if Rich and I are doing a show tonight, tomorrow, sunday… or possibly later. So I tweeted the apology and someone responded “Too late, Evilore already danced on your grave.”
Curious to what he meant I went to GAF. I got a message saying I had a lifetime ban for being a “faux insider” who handled himself poorly when proven wrong. I can’t argue with that. I totally handled myself poorly after being proven wrong on GAF. What I can say, in my defense, is I had *ZERO* idea that I had been proven wrong on GAF so my actions afterwards like my cheeky tweet was not in any way a response to GAF. I had no idea of anything that was happening at GAF.
This isn’t a plea to get my GAF account back – my cheeky tweet was me making the decision that I need to stop making posts like I did. I enjoy talking about videogames – a lot, and sometimes have info to offer that is pertinent to the topic at hand. That info by and large has been correct – hence my not getting banned once before now. This time it was not. I feel awful. I’ve felt awful since yesterday. It was that awful feeling that made me decide that I need to stop posting shit like that on GAF. It isn’t helpful. People will bend truth, rumors, things that are completely false, and whatever else to fit their narrative. And when I’m not careful I can seriously fuck with people’s lives and I don’t like that. So the GAF ban is fine. I’m better off as a lurker. I did want to clarify the order in which things happened though. Because I can be an asshole, but I wouldn’t make that cheeky post as a response to someone like Col on GAF. Col seems like a great guy and I really feel for him and his son. I apologize again for any harm I caused.
I’m seeing this asked a lot in the GAF thread and on twitter. I can’t answer in one place for obvious reasons and it’s a bit long winded for twitter. The question is “You talked to Col’s friend last night and then this morning you decided to make a cheeky tweet?”
Yes. And I can understand why this doesn’t make sense to people but there’s more to it. What I got out of the conversation the night before with Col’s friend was that I was off the mark. He was very nice, he said my contacts were wrong, he’s known Col for years, he definitely left for “personal reasons.” Col’s friend *DID NOT* tell me last night that the reason he left was to take care of his sick child.
I also, as of this morning, felt like shit, but assumed that the rest of the world had moved on. That’s typically how these things going in the gaming world. Something is a burning issue for a day or so and it falls off the map. So I was just feeling like crap because I honestly felt bad. It was then I made the plan in my head to apologize to Col on the podcast this weekend with the whole video/voice/etc. I already mentioned up above that I didn’t know that Col had posted on GAF. What I didn’t mention is that I had no idea that Col had even heard about the post. I didn’t know that it was creating problems for him. I didn’t know any of that. What I knew is I thought one thing and was corrected by Col’s friend and I was going to apologize, visually, and give the link to Col’s friend and ask him to pass it along. I had no idea the reach that all of this had gotten at that point.
So not knowing any of that I made a cheeky post about not being a “GAF insider” anymore because of my own internal guilt, and it was cheeky because I didn’t realize there was anything happening that needed to be taken seriously. Because, honestly, if it was any other day of the year and and I made some proclamation that was dead serious that I wasn’t going to be a “GAF Insider” anymore would I not look like a stuck up cock? I tried to add a bit of levity to it. But I had no clue what was actually happening.
Col and I have talked. I have apologized publicly many times. He and I actually seem to be cool with each other now. I hate that this happened to him and I’m at fault. I feel like i’m going to vomit. It sucks. And, again, I’m sorry that I gave info that wasn’t true (not purposefully, but that’s not the point) and that it has caused you this commotion, Col. You are good guy and did not deserve this.